Posted by: Junahu | April 14, 2011

My day in the Pokemon Dream World

It seemed as though an exciting new frontier expanded before me. Countless possibilities, endless fun, and the same four minigames repeated ad nauseum. I feverously put my Slowpoke to sleep and prepared to travel to the Dream World. Yay! This will be fun!

Oh Fennel, you delightful troll. You just FEED on my misery, don’t you?

30 hours later…

About time, ass! And stop smiling!

So, after that tortuous interlude, my adorable Slowpoke and I were escorted to what was clearly a floating prison island in the middle of nowhere. Fennel refused to let that intolerable grin of hers drop while boasting that this place would be my home from now on.

She even took great pains to explain how doors work to my Slowpoke. Thanks Fennel, you’re a bitch.

I think I can get the gist of what a room does, thank you Fennel. Go away.

Thankfully, she left after this painful expository session. She would continue to pop up throughout my ‘adventure’, keeping a close eye on me and halting my attempts to escape, like that damn balloon from The Prisoner. But, to save you guys what sanity you have left, I’ll try to refrain from mentioning her ever again. Just know she was watching me like a Hawk.

Slowpoke was less than estatic about the situation, but we made the most of it

Then Bam! Slowpoke found the easiest rainbow road in the history of Mario Kart.

If I knew my cartoon physics, we would be able to walk on this rainbow. which we could, and we did. It took us to a meager little forest called the Island of Dreams. No sooner had we arrived though, than we were ambushed by

An abusive mother Kangaskhan! It was looking for a Starly for some reason.

Cool, I’ll just find this Starly and make an awesome new ally

Excellent, bitch ass Kangaskhan taught me to loath the “search” minigame. What a troll

Incidentally, Fennel showed up on the VERY NEXT SCREEN to explain to Slowpoke that sometimes you might see a Pokemon in this forest. Gee, I know Slowpoke isn’t the brightest of pogeymons, but I’m pretty sure he noticed the big fucking Kangaskhan on the previous screen. Thanks again Fennel, never come back.

And then I saw a sentret who invited me to scoop ice cream. You know, like all rodents do?

I fucking wrecked that minigame by the way, and befriended the diabetic Sentret

I am the goddamn ice cream KING! Yeeeeah! … hold on…

is that a…

oh for fuck’s sake..

A fucking Combee was watching me. You’re the worst Pokemon ever. No one wants you here!

And then I found a Nidoran (male), which made me happy again. I think Slowpoke enjoyed meeting a fellow Pink pokemon. But it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking, since he never stops with that slack jawed, toothless grin of his

As you may have suspected, the minigames have absolutely no connection to the Pokemon I’m trying to befriend. I’d complain, but I’m just glad they’re all easier than that stupid searching minigame

I can assure you, imaginary game narrator, that this Nidoran does not look happy in the slightest

Tangela was next and for no reason wanted to play with a Wailord

Wailord accidents account for over 5% of all Pokemon fatalities in the dream world.

It was a massacre of Pokemon. A Pokassacre, if you will. On the bright side, I popped enough balloons to befriend Tangela

We then helped reunite a Mareep and its Cleffa. Unlike everything the Pokemon cartoon show taught me, Team Rocket did NOT appear to steal the Cleffa. Which is a shame, because they could keep the damn thing for all I cared. Unlike Clefable, Cleffa makes no sense as a Pokemon

“seems happy”. That’s just the kind of thing a tourist says before a lion unexpectantly pounces on them

Anyway, Slowpoke and I continued to navigate the linear forest, molesting Pokemon and finding random Auron oran berries lieing around. At the end of it all, we found the tree that would allow us to permenantly catch one of our new ‘friends’

It was all such a cock party that I just went with the happy, happy Nidoran, and returned home.

And then we realised we still had 30 minutes to waste here. Since there was nothing to do on my particular god forsaken spit of rock, Slowpoke and I ventured off to invade other people’s islands, track mud into their houses, steal their items, harass their Pokemon, and… um, water their berries.

yeah, we watered the shit out of these berries.

For services rendered, we stole this guy’s last item, and replaced it with a crappy Auron Oran Berry. Then we left our grubby footprints on their welcome mat, just so they’d know it was us. Yeah, we’re badass villains and don’t even care who knows.

We eventually got sick of being master criminals, and decided to just visit people’s houses and look at their pokemons

Slowpoke warms his ass on a Litwick. Litwick looks confused, but not revulsed by the sight of Slowpoke’s butt

damn, audino looks pretty similar to old Slowpoke. Perhaps they are cousins or something

I don’t know why half these Pokemon look like they’re about to have sex with my Slowpoke. But look at ‘dem plush dolls in the background! Cute!

We found a Victini!

And last  but not least, Hydreigon! We chilled here for a good 5 seconds before Fennel came to kick me out of the dream world. Bitch

And that was it for my day in the Dream World. Slowpoke had a blast. I got me a Hustle Nidoran, which I heard will evolve into a Sheer Force Nidoking. And we even got to see Kangaskhan and Hydreigon

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Responses

  1. Who says articles are dead?

  2. What was the point of this again. . .?

    No Gigaskhan. Warlord is disappoint.

  3. That Heatmor is eyeing up your Slowpoke, THINKIN HE LOOKS MIGHTY PURDY.

    Are they even in the same Egg Group or would that just be fun for Heatmor? =(

  4. I approve of this article

  5. Sandbag reviews? Someone is now obligated to make a Dream World set and base it off of this experience so that Jun doesn’t look like a total tard

  6. Read this again for the hell of it. Lurv you Junahu [somewhat homo] ❤

  7. I enjoy you too MT ❤


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